Your Halloween Trick, err Treat

So, the letter 'r' and I were talking the other day about Jason X which lovely wife and I had just seen. (It's terribly silly and terribly good all at the same time.) He commented on how Jason movies, and horror movies in general were like the original versions of fairy tales. And I had to agree with him. And so he decided we should write a book of horror movie fairy tales. Here are the first several I came up with. He contributed the bare bones of the Friday the 13th tale, but I fleshed it out for him. At any rate, please to enjoy these fine horror movie fairy tales.

Tale the first:
Once there were two friends, who upon finishing school decided to see the world. They traveled to a far country where they didn't speak the language, but they were together and thus felt safe. One night they encountered some women who offered to show them a good time. Since this was part of what they had set out to do, they happily followed the women and soon found themselves experiencing the good times they had sought. The women then told the young men of a special hostel where they could experience the same and more. Entranced by the young women one of the young men finally convinced the other to travel to the hostel. Upon arriving at the hostel the young men soon realized that the young women had tricked them with their words and ways and they paid a heavy price for the pleasures they had so brashly sought. Alas, the young man that hadn't wanted to visit the hostel in the first place paid for his knowledge with his life. And several bodily bits that were eventually washed off the walls. The other young man managed to escape the torturous dungeon and exacted some small revenge upon the people that had brought him there in the first place, but his escape was not as it seemed and ultimately he too learned the price of seeking the pleasures of the world without proper planning.

Tale the thirteenth second:
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful summer camp called Crystal Lake. This summer camp was guarded by a Mother that loved her son. And didn't love counselors busy discovering that tab b does fit into slot c. Her poor deformed baby had only wanted to swim with the other children, but due to things like gravity and breathing and lack of gills instead discovered that lungs and water do not mixed. So she taught the counselors a lesson in situational awareness. With an axe. And a machete. And several arrows. Oh and mustn't forget the very sharpest knife. Unfortunately other counselors did not find these lessons so helpful and so they banished the Mother to the lake with her son. But that was ok, because the mother's love helped her son obtain great rejuvenative abilities. So he took over teaching his mother's lessons. So if you decide to experiment with your own tabs and slots, make sure your situational awareness is also up to snuff. Although it won't really help because the machete is already swinging your way. But rest assured, Mother and son both live happily ever after, frozen in suspended animation. In space. With the rainbow asteroids and a bomb that could think for itself. But that is another story...

Tale the third:
Once there was a puzzlemaker that was good with his hands and good with machines, but not so good with his health. On account of the brain tumor. This made the puzzlemaker very sad as he enjoyed living and knew he would only be able to do so for a short while. He was also sad on account of all the people that ignored their own health and treated life as something that happened while you busy making other plans. So the puzzlemaker came up with a plan. He would use his puzzle making and machine building skills and teach people that life was something to be treasured. The people he chose were not always thrilled with his lesson, what with the blood and the knives and the exploding body parts, but the few that learned his lesson found themselves strangely drawn to the puzzlemaker's ideals and would often help him in his quest to spread the word that life was to be cherished. With or without all your limbs. Now you may be wondering exactly what this has to do with the cage on your head and the rats and the cheese scented oil, but then I suspect you haven't really been listening to my story. Allow me to start again, oh wait the rats seem to think we're out of time...

Tale the fourth:
Once a young girl had trouble sleeping. She kept getting interrupted by a strange old man with a skin condition, a desperate need for a manicure, and some fashion sense that suggested it might be near Christmas. Needless to say these things did not help her to get her much needed rest. She talked to her friends about the strange man, but they seemed to be having the same trouble sleeping. And the few that did manage it were no longer in any condition to help. So she talked to her parents. But they just mumbled things about the neighborhood watch and darn kids getting in trouble and it was only a little fire, what was his problem anyway? Just because they couldn't sleep at night didn't mean their kids should have the same trouble... So she chanted old nursery rhymes in an attempt to fall asleep, but that didn't help. She tried talking to the strange man, offering advice on skin conditioning and nail files, but he seemed more interested in making her feel his pain. Rather literally. So ultimately she decided to let history repeat itself and retire to a nice mental institution, where the drugs would help her sleep.

Happy Halloween everyone!